There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I puked a lego.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
