She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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