First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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