God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
