just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
