end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
