The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's blow job season.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
