just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I love having hate sex.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
