The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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