last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
