Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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