i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
