Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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