she woke up with a sticky ear
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
