I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
