I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
