can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
