im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize