Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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