I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
