Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
