Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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