mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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