I have demons in me.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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