i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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