I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
