I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
