So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
