drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize