god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
