they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
