I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
