Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
