You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
operation harelip BJ is a go
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
