theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you had me at cake vodka
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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