It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
