my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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