I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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