the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
