You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
