he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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