some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
