If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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