so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
