I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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