Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize