I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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