Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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