So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
