Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
