my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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