Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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