Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
