Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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