I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize