it's like heaven, but drunker
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
