we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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