I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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