you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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