you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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