you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
