Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
