mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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